4.23.2008


Penis thefts on the rise

Time to change your travel plans...

From Reuters:

"Lynchings in Congo as penis theft panic hits capital

KINSHASA - Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.

Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to obtain blood or body parts still occur.

Rumors of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo's sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.

Purported victims, 14 of whom were also detained by police, claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear, in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure."

Certainly puts ordinary pickpockets to shame, doesn't it? Take my wallet, just leave the penis be!

4.14.2008


Free will - reality or illusion?

Put a strong point in the illusion column. Scientists, using MRI machines on people making up their minds about a decision, have been able to detect a decision forming in a person's brain a full seven seconds before they even know they've made it. Quite a long time really, one wonders what takes the process so long to filter through to our consciousness.

Regardless, it does have the disturbing effect of seemingly robbing someone of their free will - reducing our actions to the end results of a string of chemical reactions inside our heads.

I guess Kurt Vonnegut was right all along.

(via Wired):

"In a study published Sunday in Nature Neuroscience, researchers using brain scanners could predict people's decisions seven seconds before the test subjects were even aware of making them.

The decision studied -- whether to hit a button with one's left or right hand -- may not be representative of complicated choices that are more integrally tied to our sense of self-direction. Regardless, the findings raise profound questions about the nature of self and autonomy: How free is our will? Is conscious choice just an illusion?

"Your decisions are strongly prepared by brain activity. By the time consciousness kicks in, most of the work has already been done," said study co-author John-Dylan Haynes, a Max Planck Institute neuroscientist.

Haynes updated a classic experiment by the late Benjamin Libet, who showed that a brain region involved in coordinating motor activity fired a fraction of a second before test subjects chose to push a button. Later studies supported Libet's theory that subconscious activity preceded and determined conscious choice -- but none found such a vast gap between a decision and the experience of making it as Haynes' study has.

In the seven seconds before Haynes' test subjects chose to push a button, activity shifted in their frontopolar cortex, a brain region associated with high-level planning. Soon afterwards, activity moved to the parietal cortex, a region of sensory integration. Haynes' team monitored these shifting neural patterns using a functional MRI machine.

Taken together, the patterns consistently predicted whether test subjects eventually pushed a button with their left or right hand -- a choice that, to them, felt like the outcome of conscious deliberation. For those accustomed to thinking of themselves as having free will, the implications are far more unsettling than learning about the physiological basis of other brain functions."

Magic revealed: how to break a man into three parts

I'm of two minds when it comes to revealing how to do magic tricks.

On the one hand, it serves to completely ruin the trick in the future - once the magic is shown to be a minor trick, so simple that anyone could do with a bit of practice, the fun of magic seems to go right out the window.

On the other hand, the argument goes, only by revealing how old tricks are done is new magic pioneered and new techniques developed. I suppose that's a fair point, and serves to reward truly original magitians who develop their own mystifying means.

Regardless, actually watching the trick revealed is always a facinating process... below, the famous Penn and Teller reveal their method for dividing a person into three parts. A great watch.



Preschool Star Wars

Finally, some parents with the proper priorities. That's the only conceivable way this child (age 3 by the way), has become so Star Wars knowledgeable. Bonus points for it being one from the original Trilogy, and not that over-hyped, horribly written, green screened load of crap that is the new trilogy.

Shudder.

The only thing that could improve this is some mention of Greedo shooting first. I guess that's just being greedy.


4.13.2008

Beatles Guitar Hero Game a possibility?

Everyone likes a good Guitar Hero session. Lets you immerse yourself in some solid tunes, and pretend you're far cooler than you are - what's not to like?

Well, perhaps the absence of your favorite music (though competitor Rock Band has been fixing that issue through downloadable tracks). I know that I grew pretty weary of all the metal rock near the end of the games. As a result, the idea to make a Beatles-centric edition strikes me as genius. They've certainly got the catalogue for it, and much of it should be fairly virtual-guitar friendly.

Recently, such hopes have been fueled by hints at the game's development by the folks at Sony:

"Following the announcement of an Aerosmith-centric Guitar Hero, chief executive of Sony/ATV Music Publishing Martin N. Bandier spoke with the LA Times, indicating that he "liked the idea of a dedicated Beatles edition of Guitar Hero." In his own words, Bandier said, "It's something we have talked about and something I'd like to pursue."

Let's all hope this comes true... and while theyre at it, have it come with a sitar controller!

(via Ars Technica)

Rats on cocaine prove theory about the 4th dimension.

A team of scientists looking to better understand the brain's perception of time have performed a series of unorthadox tests - one involving dropping a guy off a high structure, and another involving the intentional drugging of rats, with both weed and cocaine.

The bit where the guy is dropped off the tower is fairly compelling evidence. Whereas you could complain that he never gets the number exatcly right, you could just as easily write that off to the fact that he's falling pretty fast from a high height, and its tricky to concentrate on anything under those conditions.

I have more problems with the rat experiment. It all hinges on being able to train these rats to consistently press a button after a set interval. To me, thats a little too subjective to be indisputable evidence.... seems like the scientists were just shooting the shit one day, and decided it would be hilarious to drug some rats.

They were right.


4.12.2008

Lotion makes you slippery
(via CuteWithChris)

My personal favorite Cute With Christ episode, in which he enacts his show, as seen in Slovakia. Any clip that contains the phrase "Hello happy teenager... and Bear of gay" is pretty much automatically funny in my books.



Energy saving light bulbs deemed dangerous

A rather sensationalistic story has surfaced in the Daily Mail, noting the little known dangers associated with new, energy-efficient light bulbs. Apparently their chemical composition is such that they pose a very real threat of poisoning when broken, or disposed of improperly.

From the article:

"Energy-saving light bulbs are so dangerous that everyone must leave the room for at least 15 minutes if one falls to the floor and breaks, a Government department warned yesterday.

The startling alert came as health experts also warned that toxic mercury inside the bulbs can aggravate a range of problems including migraines and dizziness.

And a leading dermatologist said tens of thousands of people with skin complaints will find it hard to tolerate being near the bulbs as they cause conditions such as eczema to flare up.

The Department for Environment warned shards of glass from broken bulbs should not be vacuumed up but instead swept away by someone wearing rubber gloves to protect them from the bulb's mercury content.

In addition, it said care should be taken not to inhale any dust and the broken pieces should be put in a sealed plastic bag for disposal at a council dump – not a normal household bin.

None of this advice, however, is printed on the packaging the new-style bulbs are sold in. There are also worries over how the bulbs will be disposed of. "

Perhaps the worst part of the warning is the fact that merely being in proximity of an unbroken, working bulb can apparently aggravate symptoms of 'migraines and dizziness'. Not exactly what people are looking for in their light sources.

Now, I'm not advocating a wholesale move back to conventional lightbulbs - the energy savings of this new breed are certainly considerable and will be valuable both individually and environmentally in the long term - but surely the manufacturers of these new bulbs can do so without endangering the public in such an obvious way?

Don Hertzfelt strikes again

Hertzfelt is the guy who released a series rejected cartoons awhile back. If you haven't watched them already, this will appear to be the oddest little animation you've ever seen. Mr. Hertzfelt was commissioned to animate the opening cartoon for a cartoon expo. What resulted certainly has his own brand of humour.

MY HEAD IS NOW A GIANT EGG!

Enjoy.


Photobucket This Generation's Shakespeare?

Unless you've been living under a culture-shielding rock for the last 20 years (or something along those lines, this damn show has been on forever), you're well aware of the Simpsons. What you may not be consciously aware of though is its far-reaching and considerable impact on the english language... I know I've certainly been known to through a "D'oh" or "woohoo" into conversation every now and then. Indeed, the show can fairly be said to have shaped the comic sensibilities and vocabulary of an entire generation. This excerpt from a Wiki article describes said impact:

"A number of neologisms that originated on The Simpsons have entered the popular vernacular. Mark Liberman, director of the Linguistic Data Consortium, remarked, "The Simpsons has apparently taken over from Shakespeare and the Bible as our culture's greatest source of idioms, catchphrases and sundry other textual allusions." The most famous catchphrase is Homer's annoyed grunt: "D'oh!" So ubiquitous is the expression that it is now listed in the Oxford English Dictionary, but without the apostrophe. Dan Castellaneta says he borrowed the phrase from James Finlayson, an actor in early Laurel and Hardy comedies, who pronounced it in a more elongated and whining tone. The director of The Simpsons told Castellaneta to shorten the noise, and it went on to become the well-known exclamation in the TV series.

Other Simpsons expressions that have entered popular use include "excellent" (drawn out as a sinister "eeeexcelllent…" in the style of Charles Montgomery Burns), Homer's triumphant "Woohoo!" and Nelson Muntz's mocking "HA-ha!" Groundskeeper Willie's description of the French as "cheese-eating surrender monkeys" was used by conservative National Review columnist Jonah Goldberg in 2003, after France's opposition to the proposed invasion of Iraq. The phrase quickly spread to other journalists. "Cromulent", a word used in "Lisa the Iconoclast" has since appeared in the Webster’s New Millennium Dictionary of English. "Kwyjibo", a fake Scrabble word invented by Bart in "Bart the Genius", was used as one of the aliases of the creator of the Melissa worm. "I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords", was used by Kent Brockman in "Deep Space Homer" and has seeped into popular culture to describe a number of events. Variants of Brockman's utterance are used to express mock submission, usually for the purpose of humor. It has been used in media, such as New Scientist magazine. The dismissive term "Meh" has also been popularized by the show."

Not too shabby for a little cartoon that was never meant to have a show of its own. Now if only they knew when to stop the series (after season 7), before it got thoroughly unfunny...

Oh Danny Boy

The Muppets hold a special place in my heart. From Gonzo's chicken fetish to the wonderful christmas special featuring the full muppets bunch, the sesame street gang, and the fraggle rock bunch, they were a true staple of my childhood.

By far my favourate Muppet though, was always Beaker. There's just something inherently hilarious about a hapless idiot whose vocabulary is comprised entirely of "meeee".

With that in mind, I hope you enjoy the three least musical (and comprehensible) Muppets, The Sweedish Chef, Animal, and Beaker, in their rendition of "Danny Boy".


4.11.2008

Baby Burrito

You laugh now, but honestly, who among us hasn't mistaken a burrito for a small child? It's a pretty honest mistake really.

Photobucket

Smoove Is Waiting (via the Onion)

By Smoove B
Love Man

Girl, there comes a time when even a strong, well-dressed man must admit defeat.

It has been a long time since we broke up and you left me standing in the rain outside of your condo. As I walked home that evening, it never would have crossed my mind that four years from now you would not have returned to me, that you would have nearly gotten married, that you would not even receive one of my phone calls. Or my letters, text messages, faxes, or instant messages.

Four years ago this would have been inconceivable that you, my one true girl, could have stayed away from me for this long. Do you not remember how it once was? We were like two love prospectors who discovered richer and richer veins of pure ecstasy. We would bump and grind in the dimly lit tunnels as shining white donkeys would carry wagons of our love to be washed off and then smelted down into fine pieces of jewelry, which I would place on your naked chocolate body while you slept. When you awoke, we would freak again.

How could a love this sexy end? After many long nights in my round circular bed wondering, and long days looking at myself in my large oval mirror, I have come to the realization that we may never do the nasty again.

Damn.

I just wanted to use this opportunity to say that no matter what happens in my life or what happens I will be here, waiting for you. Even if I am married, living in the suburbs with three children, if you were to send me a note saying "Let's give it another chance" I would immediately abandon my life, rent out my old penthouse apartment, take my clothes out of storage, and immediately start creating a sumptuous dinner or breakfast for me to feed you, depending on the time of the day it was. That is what you mean to me.

I would, at this point, like to ask any women that I am currently dating to stop reading this column.

So, girl, if you doubt that I no longer love you, I ask you to remove that doubt, for this love is deep. Too deep to fade by the mere passage of time. If you worry about how you have treated me in the past, which, I think we both can admit, was cold, I would say that having you back in my arms was worth the pain and torment I have endured by your absence. If you worry that we will no longer be physically compatible, that somehow we will no longer be able to light the fuse of the atom bomb that is our sexuality, I have to say, you know that not to be true.

While a small sliver of hope will always remain inside of me, Smoove has come to the hard understanding that you are not coming back to me. It is like a part of Smoove has died and, for this part, he has begun to grieve. I am not certain of which stage of the mourning process it is that one begins making lists, but Smoove has begun making them. I now present to you Smoove's Happiest Memories Of When We Were Together:

#5: That time I broke you off nasty outside of that club.

#4: Making love until the dawn on Christmas morning.

#3: The night you invited your friend Cherise into our bedroom and I then hand-fed both of you the succulent berries before getting freaky with both of you in my whirlpool.

#2: The many nights you rode my pony until I couldn't take it anymore.

#1: Waking up before you, and just holding you in my arms until you woke up and then hitting you doggy-style until you lost your mind.

That is only one list of many. I have many complex emotions to work though. And while my hair remains impeccable and my clothes are fresh, the feelings that lie beneath Smoove's surface roil like a volcano waiting for you to calm the tempest by saying those three little words; "I need you." If you were to add the words "now" or "right here on the floor" I would have no problem with that.

Even if you are not interested in once again contacting Smoove, arranging a time to meet, getting picked up in fine white automobile, dancing all night at a popular nightspot, enjoying a late dinner before being loved so hard and long you will think your heart may explode from pure 100 percent uncut pleasure, I will accept this. It has taken Smoove a long time and many heart-to-heart talks with my main man, Darnell, but I have come to grips with the situation.

What Smoove would like you to understand is this: No matter where you are or who you are with, there is a man who smells of exotic lotions who loves you and wants you to be happy. And if you are ever need another taste, Smoove will always be here, ready to break you off some.

Smoove out.

Quite a puzzle

If you haven't had a chance to listen to Radiohead's recently released pay-what-you-can downloadable album, In Rainbows, (there's a mouthful) you absolutely should. Its another success in the vein of their previous ventures, Hail to the Theif, and OK Computer (their finest previous efforts, in my opinion) - a nice mix of rock and electronica, mixed and tweaked to perfection.

Similarly compelling over the years have been the group's music videos. It should come as no surprise then that their vid for the first single, 'Jigsaw Falling Into Place' is a pretty neat one, fuelled by the original 'helmet cam' concept. Check it out:


4.10.2008

Estelle kicks ass
British up-and-comer- singer Estelle has released her sophomore album, "Shine", and I absolutely love it. She has been compared to Lauren Hill, and very understandably so - when she croons her voice has a similar sassy roughness to it - but the album really works on a number of levels. Most of the tracks are unique in style and pace. Some will be club hits, others ('pretty please' for example) hark back to motown classics, and others are destined to be summer hits. Guest producers and featured artists include Kanye West and Kardinal Offishall... do you really need to hear more? Grab it on Amazon here.

Chocolate Rain

I do realize that most of the known world has already been exposed to the baratone croonings of the Chocolate Rain guy. To those who have been missing out however, you owe it to yourself to take a look:


4.09.2008

The ten greatest April Fool's hoaxes of all time:

#1: The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest

spaghetti harvest In 1957 the respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers were taken in. Many called the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. To this the BBC diplomatically replied that they should “place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best.”

Read the full article about the Swiss Spaghetti Harvest.

#2: Sidd Finch

Sidd Finch In its April 1985 edition, Sports Illustrated published a story about a new rookie pitcher who planned to play for the Mets. His name was Sidd Finch, and he could reportedly throw a baseball at 168 mph with pinpoint accuracy. This was 65 mph faster than the previous record. Surprisingly, Sidd Finch had never even played the game before. Instead, he had mastered the “art of the pitch” in a Tibetan monastery under the guidance of the “great poet-saint Lama Milaraspa.” Mets fans celebrated their teams’ amazing luck at having found such a gifted player, and Sports Illustrated was flooded with requests for more information. But in reality this legendary player only existed in the imagination of the author of the article, George Plimpton.

Read the full article about Sidd Finch.

#3: Instant Color TV

image In 1962 there was only one tv channel in Sweden, and it broadcast in black and white. The station’s technical expert, Kjell Stensson, appeared on the news to announce that, thanks to a new technology, viewers could convert their existing sets to display color reception. All they had to do was pull a nylon stocking over their tv screen. Stensson proceeded to demonstrate the process. Thousands of people were taken in. Regular color broadcasts only commenced in Sweden on April 1, 1970.

Read the full article about Instant Color TV.

#4: The Taco Liberty Bell

Taco Liberty BellIn 1996 the Taco Bell Corporation announced that it had bought the Liberty Bell and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell. Hundreds of outraged citizens called the National Historic Park in Philadelphia where the bell was housed to express their anger. Their nerves were only calmed when Taco Bell revealed, a few hours later, that it was all a practical joke. The best line of the day came when White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale. Thinking on his feet, he responded that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold. It would now be known as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.

Read the full article about the Taco Liberty Bell.

#5: San Serriffe

image In 1977 the British newspaper The Guardian published a special seven-page supplement devoted to San Serriffe, a small republic located in the Indian Ocean consisting of several semi-colon-shaped islands. A series of articles affectionately described the geography and culture of this obscure nation. Its two main islands were named Upper Caisse and Lower Caisse. Its capital was Bodoni, and its leader was General Pica. The Guardian’s phones rang all day as readers sought more information about the idyllic holiday spot. Few noticed that everything about the island was named after printer’s terminology. The success of this hoax is widely credited with launching the enthusiasm for April Foolery that gripped the British tabloids in subsequent decades.

Read the full article about San Serriffe.

#6: Nixon for President

In 1992 National Public Radio’s Talk of the Nation program announced that Richard Nixon, in a surprise move, was running for President again. His new campaign slogan was, “I didn’t do anything wrong, and I won’t do it again.” Accompanying this announcement were audio clips of Nixon delivering his candidacy speech. Listeners responded viscerally to the announcement, flooding the show with calls expressing shock and outrage. Only during the second half of the show did the host John Hockenberry reveal that the announcement was a practical joke. Nixon’s voice was impersonated by comedian Rich Little.

#7: Alabama Changes the Value of Pi

The April 1998 issue of the New Mexicans for Science and Reason newsletter contained an article claiming that the Alabama state legislature had voted to change the value of the mathematical constant pi from 3.14159 to the ‘Biblical value’ of 3.0. Before long the article had made its way onto the internet, and then it rapidly made its way around the world, forwarded by people in their email. It only became apparent how far the article had spread when the Alabama legislature began receiving hundreds of calls from people protesting the legislation. The original article, which was intended as a parody of legislative attempts to circumscribe the teaching of evolution, was written by a physicist named Mark Boslough.

#8: The Left-Handed Whopper

In 1998 Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a “Left-Handed Whopper” specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, “many others requested their own ‘right handed’ version.”

#9: Hotheaded Naked Ice Borers

Hotheaded Naked Ice BorerIn its April 1995 issue Discover Magazine announced that the highly respected wildlife biologist Dr. Aprile Pazzo had discovered a new species in Antarctica: the hotheaded naked ice borer. These fascinating creatures had bony plates on their heads that, fed by numerous blood vessels, could become burning hot, allowing the animals to bore through ice at high speeds. They used this ability to hunt penguins, melting the ice beneath the penguins and causing them to sink downwards into the resulting slush where the hotheads consumed them. After much research, Dr. Pazzo theorized that the hotheads might have been responsible for the mysterious disappearance of noted Antarctic explorer Philippe Poisson in 1837. “To the ice borers, he would have looked like a penguin,” the article quoted her as saying. Discover received more mail in response to this article than they had received for any other article in their history.

Read the full article about the Hotheaded Naked Ice Borer.

#10: Planetary Alignment Decreases Gravity

In 1976 the British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on BBC Radio 2 that at 9:47 AM a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event was going to occur that listeners could experience in their very own homes. The planet Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, temporarily causing a gravitational alignment that would counteract and lessen the Earth’s own gravity. Moore told his listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment that this planetary alignment occurred, they would experience a strange floating sensation. When 9:47 AM arrived, BBC2 began to receive hundreds of phone calls from listeners claiming to have felt the sensation. One woman even reported that she and her eleven friends had risen from their chairs and floated around the room.

[Via - Museum Of Hoaxes.Com]









































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































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